HBO does it again. Not only is this the type of show that makes you applaud the murder of a child, it then makes you sit through probably the most uncomfortable 5 minutes in television.
The King is Dead. No one except for Cersei will mourn the little bastard portrayed perfectly by Jack Gleeson. Cersei immediately calls for Tyrion and Sansa’s imprisonment, but while Tyrion it’s left with his half sized pants down, Sansa is in the wind with Dantos. Tywin tries to lock up the capitol but the duo escaped on a small rowing boat. They row until nightfall until they come upon a ship in the mist. Sansa climbs up the ladder and soon find the person responsible for her recent string I’d good luck: Littlefinger. Lord Petyr Baelish wastes no time tying up drunk and foolish ends by having hidden bowmen place an arrow in Dantos face. The Devil comes in many forms. Sweet/Poor Sansa naturally objects but Littlefinger reveals that Dantos was a pawn only doing his bidding. “Money buys a mans silence for a while but a bolt in the heart buys it forever” he warns to the Winterfell princess. She doesn’t know where she’s headed, but Littlefinger assures her she is safe now.
Back in Kings Landing, Olenna Redwyne and her granddaughter Margaery Tyrell are plotting too keep their footing in the wake of the kings death. The knockout is a little down on herself because her first husband was a homosexual who was killed by a shadow demon under control of his brother and her second husband was a sadistic cunt who was poisoned at their wedding. “I must be cursed” she exclaims. Her mema congrats her for her attempt at taming Joffrey and her political prowess, and comforts her with, “the next one should be easier.”
In the Great Sept, lies the body of the former King Joffrey. Watching over him is the new king, unaware bastard Tommen Baratheon along with Tywin, Cersei, and a couple maesters. Tywin decides to use this time to school the boy on how he should rule and tells him that a wise king listens to his advisors. Tywin hope to have a more manageable puppet regime than he could have ever had with Joffrey. Han Jaime enters the Sept and orders the prying eyes to vacate the premises so him and the queen can mourn their atrocity. What follows is the most uncomfortable 50 seconds I can remember in recent history. The Kingslayer sheds all redemption acquired last season and rapes his twin sister on the Sept floor besides his sons body. All while reciting “I dont care,” as he performs this vile act. Just let than sink in for a bit.
Tyrion sits in a dank cell and receives his only visitor, his loyal squire Podrick. Tyrion and his squire ponder who could have set him up but the only progress they were able to make was to rule out Cersei. Pod reveals a mysterious stranger attempted to bribe him to testify against Tyrion; he refused, which Tyrion realizes will spell out a death warrant for the boy. He send the squire off, with instructions to fetch Jaime and then leave King’s Landing immediately or face certain death. A most solemn farewell and Tyrion makes sure Podrick knows he was appreciated. “There never lived a more loyal squire,” he tells a departing Podrick.
Arya is annoying the Hound with the “bored child in the backseat off a long road trip” routine. The unlikely duo comes upon a father and daughter while they water their horses in the Riverlands. Arya wisely covers for them with a father-daughter routine that ends with the farmer providing them with food and shelter for the night. At dinner, the father ignores the Hound’s despicable table manners and general attitude and focuses on the sheer size of the Man. The father offers “fair wages for fair work” for the Hound to protect his lands from raiders and the such. The Hound agrees. Arya wakes up the next day to the sound of a fight and sees the Hound had knocked the farmer out and is stealing his silver. Arya objects, the Hound rebuffs with his view that the farmer it’s weak and bandits or the upcoming winter will kill him amd his daughter. “Deadman don’t need silver.”
Samwell Tarly checks in on the working Gilly. He inquires about her current rape count and informs her about the sullied origins of many of his brothers in the Nights Watch. He then takes Gilly to a brothel in Mole Town and acquires her room and board in exchange for housekeeping duties. He possess the fact the he wasn’t her to have “no other work.” Gilly sees.this as a way for Samwell to get rid of her and doesn’t fully appreciate the fact that Sam is trying to keep her rape count post-Craster to a non existent digit.
Everything is all quiet in the North until Ygritte shows up and starts driving arrows into people’s heads. Tormund and the cannibalistic Thenns lay waste to everything domesticated in sight. The Thenn leader tells a little boy from the beginning he’s going to eat his parents, then sends him along to tell Castle Black what happened. At the council, the Nights Watch is split on his to treat to the most recent attack. Half wants to attack and the other half wants to hold the line at the Wall, and that’s exactly what Jon Snow proposes. The council is soon interrupted with the arrival of Grenn and Dolorous Edd, who tell the Night’s Watch about the deserters at Craster’s Keep. In a complete 180 of what was just being argued, Jon immediately proposes riding out and killing the mutineers before they can reveal to the Wilding army just how weak the Night’s Watch is.
Dispose usurper Stannis seeks council from Davos and brings him up to speed about his Joffrey’s death. Stannis sets this as great opportunity to win the Iron Throne but has no soldiers or capital to accomplish this feat. Davos suggests they enlist sellswords but Stannis will hear nothing of it. Davos heads to the Tourette where Stannis keeps his deformed daughter Shireen Baratheon. While Stannis polishes up in his 1-900-phonics session he comes up with the idea to borrow money from the Iron Bank.
Still emotion his residence in the brothel owned by Littlefinger, The Prince of Dorne has his bisexual orgy broken up by the arrival of Tywin Lannister. The Hand of the King inquires about Oberyn’s motives in the wake of the kings assassination. Oberyn argues convincingly that he had no motive to kill Joffrey – “I do not punish the child for the crimes of his father, or his grandfather” – but Tywin’s has other motives. Tywin seeks out Oberyn to sit as a judge for the trial of Tyrion Lannister. They reach an agreement where Tyrion will roll on the Mountain and the Prince week receive a seat on the small council to serve as King Tommen’s advisor. With a wilding army approaching the Wall,a recently dead king, the Greyjoy’s rebellion, and some broad with dragons freeing slaves, allies are needed.
The Mother of Dragon approach the city of Meereen while the slavers look down upon her from their balconies. The Cory sends out single champion who insults Khaleesi by whipping his cock out and pisses in her general direction. She ignores the slight, but Ser Jorah convices her that “words aren’t meaningless when half of a city is listening.” It’s time to pick a champion to face the rider in single combat. Grey Worm, Barristan and Jorah all volunteer, but Dany conveniently tells them all they’re too important to the war effort to spare. What a coincidence, this leaves only Daario Naharis who quickly and shortly dispatches the champion od Meereen. He then whips out his own cock and , pisses in the general direction of Mereen. Niiice. Khaleesi speaks to the slaves and alerts them to her quest to be the Abe Lincoln of Westeros. She releases catapults if barrels that explode all over the city. What’s in these barrels? The slave collars of all the dead slave children on the way up to Mereen.